Therefore Stand In Awe of God (and Pie Was Meant To Be Swallowed)

Today, on this beautiful, sunny February day, I panicked.

I lost my focus.

I was angry. At myself. I felt like a failure. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I fail, and then i spend immense amounts of time going over my mistakes and what I should have done to prevent them from happening in the first place.

The day started off good. Really good, actually. I woke up and saw this (this is the scratchy feathery thing that meg makes me wear around my neck when we celebrate our birthdays =)):
and i thought that it was insanely beautiful. (It's okay if you think it is just pink and fuzzy. I understand.) and it wasn't so much this specific thing that was beautiful... it was just the fact that the sunshine was shining in around the edges of the shade on my window, and making my whole room look warm and golden. And i thought, "God, it's going to be a good day. How could a day that begins with a sunshiny room and a pretty feathery boa go wrong?"

And then... I got out of bed.

and things pretty much went downhill from there.

i didn't get one single basket in basketball. i didn't really do anything at all in basketball. Unit one of my writers craft hasn't been marked yet, which means i can't start unit two, or my math course. i realized that my trip this weekend is going to be expensive, and i don't have much money, because i don't technically have a regular job. i mean, i work occasionally for marian's country cupboard, but when you're spending mass amounts of money, you suddenly realize that you don't actually have very much money, and that you really, really need a regular job. and i got some juicy fruit gum that is supposed to taste like apple pie. And it does. it really does. it's cinnamony and appley. but you can't swallow it. it's like perpetual pie in your mouth that you're not allowed to eat. And that is like some cruel form of torture or something. so the apple pie gum was a disappointment. and tomorrow night i have an interview at The Independent for my co-op position, and i have to take along samples of my writing. And as i was going through every essay, every paragraph, every short story, every adventure novel (k, so there was only one of those) that i have written in the past 3 years, i realized that i have written absolutely nothing good. Everything was lame. lame, lame, lame. how is it even possible to complete 4 high school english courses and have written nothing of value? All those words that i used... wasted. As i sat and looked at my stack of papers in despair, i realized that a person who can't even successfully paraphrase Hamlet's "to be or not to be" soliloquy has absolutely no hope of getting a book published. and then i came home and realized that my neck was stiff, which means that i'm getting a cold. and it was my turn to dry dishes tonight. and i do not understand the process of aerobic respiration that i tried to learn in biology today.

so i reached this point where i felt like a complete and utter failure in every single area of my life (there are areas that i didn't even mention on here. mostly cause, well, some things are just personal, you know?=)).

the good news is... I have figured out why i have been feeling like a failure.

It's because i haven't been listening to God. I haven't even really been acknowledging Him. i've been so focused on myself.

But now i am tired of that.

I want to find my strength in God alone. I want to find my identity in Him. I want Him to be the source of all my inspiration. I'm tired of feeling weak and failing at everything that I try to do. I'm tired of feeling like I'm losing control of my life. I'm tired of panicking because i can't solve the problems that i brought upon myself.

I want nothing else in my life to even begin to compare to the desire that i feel for God. And i want His hand to guide me as i plan for my future.

I want His peace to be made evident in my life.

Ecclesiastes 5:1-5,7: "Guard your steps when you to to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know what they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven, and you are on earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. it is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God."

So it's time to listen to God. I have spent a lot of time lately regretting things, and complaining about those things, and wondering why God allowed them to happen. But these verses make it pretty clear that I am nothing, and God is Everything. He is in heaven, and I am on earth. I am not really in a position to complain to Him. Who am i to determine what is best for me, when i only see the moment, and He can see my whole life? We are to approach God humbly and respectfully.

We are to consider carefully what we say to God. "Let your words be few." I think that God wants us to stand speechless before Him, in complete awe of his power and wisdom and beauty.

I think what these verses are ultimately saying is that God wants us to recognize His authority. He wants us to come to Him, but not with rash words or a discontent spirit.

He wants us to enter His presence, and allow Him to guide us.

And honestly, after trying to make it work on my own for the past few weeks, the thought of surrendering doesn't sound so horrible at all.