Taste the Love

Your eyes are not deceiving you. It may be hard to fathom, but you really are seeing a heart made out of licorice with some reese cups randomly scattered inside it. It's beautiful, right? the two best kinds of candy in the world, working together to make a heart, which is a symbol of the love that i feel for all of my wonderful friends!!

happy valentine's day, everybody!

And i was seriously considering pulling all of my pull-n-peel licorice apart, and then spelling out "happy valentine's day" with the individual strands. yes, if you are one of my friends and you are reading this, i love you enough to considering pulling apart a whole bag of licorice for you. don't you all just feel so special now? =)

now if you will excuse me, i have some licorice to eat. ;)

Therefore Stand In Awe of God (and Pie Was Meant To Be Swallowed)

Today, on this beautiful, sunny February day, I panicked.

I lost my focus.

I was angry. At myself. I felt like a failure. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I fail, and then i spend immense amounts of time going over my mistakes and what I should have done to prevent them from happening in the first place.

The day started off good. Really good, actually. I woke up and saw this (this is the scratchy feathery thing that meg makes me wear around my neck when we celebrate our birthdays =)):
and i thought that it was insanely beautiful. (It's okay if you think it is just pink and fuzzy. I understand.) and it wasn't so much this specific thing that was beautiful... it was just the fact that the sunshine was shining in around the edges of the shade on my window, and making my whole room look warm and golden. And i thought, "God, it's going to be a good day. How could a day that begins with a sunshiny room and a pretty feathery boa go wrong?"

And then... I got out of bed.

and things pretty much went downhill from there.

i didn't get one single basket in basketball. i didn't really do anything at all in basketball. Unit one of my writers craft hasn't been marked yet, which means i can't start unit two, or my math course. i realized that my trip this weekend is going to be expensive, and i don't have much money, because i don't technically have a regular job. i mean, i work occasionally for marian's country cupboard, but when you're spending mass amounts of money, you suddenly realize that you don't actually have very much money, and that you really, really need a regular job. and i got some juicy fruit gum that is supposed to taste like apple pie. And it does. it really does. it's cinnamony and appley. but you can't swallow it. it's like perpetual pie in your mouth that you're not allowed to eat. And that is like some cruel form of torture or something. so the apple pie gum was a disappointment. and tomorrow night i have an interview at The Independent for my co-op position, and i have to take along samples of my writing. And as i was going through every essay, every paragraph, every short story, every adventure novel (k, so there was only one of those) that i have written in the past 3 years, i realized that i have written absolutely nothing good. Everything was lame. lame, lame, lame. how is it even possible to complete 4 high school english courses and have written nothing of value? All those words that i used... wasted. As i sat and looked at my stack of papers in despair, i realized that a person who can't even successfully paraphrase Hamlet's "to be or not to be" soliloquy has absolutely no hope of getting a book published. and then i came home and realized that my neck was stiff, which means that i'm getting a cold. and it was my turn to dry dishes tonight. and i do not understand the process of aerobic respiration that i tried to learn in biology today.

so i reached this point where i felt like a complete and utter failure in every single area of my life (there are areas that i didn't even mention on here. mostly cause, well, some things are just personal, you know?=)).

the good news is... I have figured out why i have been feeling like a failure.

It's because i haven't been listening to God. I haven't even really been acknowledging Him. i've been so focused on myself.

But now i am tired of that.

I want to find my strength in God alone. I want to find my identity in Him. I want Him to be the source of all my inspiration. I'm tired of feeling weak and failing at everything that I try to do. I'm tired of feeling like I'm losing control of my life. I'm tired of panicking because i can't solve the problems that i brought upon myself.

I want nothing else in my life to even begin to compare to the desire that i feel for God. And i want His hand to guide me as i plan for my future.

I want His peace to be made evident in my life.

Ecclesiastes 5:1-5,7: "Guard your steps when you to to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know what they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven, and you are on earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. it is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God."

So it's time to listen to God. I have spent a lot of time lately regretting things, and complaining about those things, and wondering why God allowed them to happen. But these verses make it pretty clear that I am nothing, and God is Everything. He is in heaven, and I am on earth. I am not really in a position to complain to Him. Who am i to determine what is best for me, when i only see the moment, and He can see my whole life? We are to approach God humbly and respectfully.

We are to consider carefully what we say to God. "Let your words be few." I think that God wants us to stand speechless before Him, in complete awe of his power and wisdom and beauty.

I think what these verses are ultimately saying is that God wants us to recognize His authority. He wants us to come to Him, but not with rash words or a discontent spirit.

He wants us to enter His presence, and allow Him to guide us.

And honestly, after trying to make it work on my own for the past few weeks, the thought of surrendering doesn't sound so horrible at all.

The Best of January 2012

Finally... I am writing my big happy end of January post.

So throughout the month of January I kept a list of all the good things that were happening to me, and all the fun stuff i was doing. The reason that i started this list was because i felt like there was a lot of big, scary stuff happening (things like exams, and monopoly in accounting, and 2 big essays... a lot of school stuff) in January, and i needed to remind myself that life was still good! and when i kept having to add more stuff to the list, i realized that life really IS good!! so some of this stuff is not necessary big and exciting... just happy little things. =)

so here we go... i'm going to first cover the things that have pictures with them, and then i'll get into the boring, wordy stuff... =)

this first picture is of my "success mug". isn't it pretty??? =) i first used this mug on Christmas Eve, at my grandma's house. and i loved it so much!! it's the most inspiring mug i have ever read! it says things like "whatever your mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve." see?? don't you feel like going out and conquering the world now??? anyways, apparently my grandmother picked up how much i loved this mug, and when my mom was over there the other day, she sent it home with her for me.

and remember..."if you don't go out on a limb, you're never going to get the fruit." never forget that. =)

so right at the beginning of the new year (and the end of the old one), i was making my list of things that i had done in the past year. i do this every year... it's a good way to look back over your year, and also a way of recording what you did, cause these lists are fun to read later! anyways, as i was making this list, i realized that probably one of the biggest things i did in 2011 (possibly THE biggest thing) was go to Guatemala with my class from school! and so i went back and looked through all the pictures and smiled and even laughed sometimes, and relived all the good memories. and all of a sudden i felt soso homesick for Guatemala! i missed the tortillas. i missed the good rice. i even missed the beans. and i missed all the people there... the Guatemalans and the missionaries. and i missed Curious Jeffrey! and i missed living with my friends and driving around in a little white van with them. i missed listening to people speak Spanish. and in Guatemala, whenever you walk past someone, they say something to you. lol i forget the exact words (maybe buenos dias?? all i know is that what they said changed depending on what time of day it was), but it didn't matter whether or not they knew you... it was just something you said to everyone! here, we all just kind of walk silently past eachother, sometimes not even taking the time to smile at others. so i missed the friendliness of Guatemala. and i missed this little girl. her name was Jasmine (like mine!), or at least the spanish equivalent of it. i loved that she talked to me even though i couldn't understand her. and i loved that she showed me her book... her dirty, torn book, that she clearly loved. i loved that she would point to a picture and say the Spanish word, and then expect me to repeat it. And then she and her little group of friends would sit and giggle at how bad i was at speaking Spanish. And she had the sweetest baby sister in the world... but this baby had a heart problem, and needed serious medical attention. however, the family wasn't able to afford the costs, and now i don't even know whether they somehow got the money. i don't even know if that beautiful baby is still alive. how pathetic is it that we think we need more possessions, more money, when we already have so much and there are those who really DO need it. and yet this kid looks happy... check out her smile (she's the little brown one. i'm the big white one with a vein popping out in my forehead. this is a problem i have. whenever i get insanely happy and smile or laugh for extended periods of time, this vein pops out. it bothers me. it really does. it is a wonder that i have any friends at all, with a vein like that in my forehead). and she had an awesome giggle. i miss Spanish Jasmine.

this is just a random picture that i took while we were at the market with Karen. the market was insane. it was loud, and full, and smelled like fish, and awesomely colorful. and if i had been alone there, i would have totally gotten lost.

so technically, this happened at the end of december... but me and joy and trish and clari went out for breakfast. and this is exciting because clari lives far, far away from the rest of us, and we miss her like crazy! youth stuff just isn't the same without you, clari! so her family was around here for Christmas, and we just got to see her for a few very short hours that weren't nearly long enough. but it gave the four of us a chance to hang out again and talk and laugh.
i cleaned my closet!! woo hoo!!!

for a brief period of time, my shelf looked like this: neatly organized stacks of pjs, t-shirts and skirts, dressy sweaters, sweaters with words on them. and school sweaters.

it was nice while it lasted.

so this is my kind of January, folks!! i love the lack of snow!! i love the occasional sunny, almost warm days! and i love how the grass actually looks green sometimes! i love that we have no rink at school, which makes playing ice hockey impossible. haha (insert gleeful laugh here). yeah... blue skies, sunny days, partially green grass, butterflies, rainbows, unicorns, leprechauns... this is an awesome place to be right now.

old bed....
new bed.... (i know, i know... it may not look like an upgrade. but focus on the headboard! once i get my new desk, i will do a whole post about my bedroom furniture, and then i will go into more details about my awesome new bed and how it has completely revolutionized my life.)
so another exciting thing that happened in January is that i got contacts! yay! i must be growing up! and getting them in and out has become a relatively easy thing to do. they still kinda make my eyes water though. but hopefully that will go away as i get used to them.

me with glasses (and a cool yellow shirt-you can't see most of it, but you can tell that it has yellow sleeves, and so you can correctly assume that that means that it is AWESOME. and if i look tired in these pictures, it's because i took them at like, 12:30 last night):
contacts (yes, the arrows are correct- i wear one contact in each eye. oh, and something i have observed about myself... my one eye is always open wider than the other one in pictures. every single picture is this way. and my nose is crooked. it really is. i hear they have surgeries to fix things like this.):no contacts or glasses (which means i am virtually blind in this picture. i am also smiling very dorkily. look past the smile... focus on the glasses/contacts-free eyes):

Well, i guess that concludes the part of the show where there are words AND pictures.

moving on to the part of the evening where i use only words to share my thoughts. i suggest that you settle in with a blanket and pillow and hot chocolate. haha, just kidding. this shouldn't be too long, because mom wants me to help her clean. =)

Good, picture-less things that happened to me in January:

• i made it through first semester!! i survived accounting! and anabaptist history! and british literature! i even survived the exams. it's good to be alive. second semester is a billion times better (and way more homework free) than first semester. i feel like a free woman. free to do as much writers craft as i want to.
• i listened to the whole Vice Verses album (by Switchfoot) and it is completely awesome. i love songs like "Selling the News" and "Where i Belong" and "Thrive". they say some good stuff in cool ways.
• i went to my church's ladies retreat! i was the youngest one there (except for elliot and clinton, but they don't count cause they're babies. and boys). it was a great weekend, and i saw a completely different side of some of the ladies, and it was a truly hiliarious, relaxing weekend.
• i spent time reading and studying the book of Jeremiah, and it has some really really awesome stuff in it! it really deserves a blog post all of its own, but i don't know if i'll get around to that, so i'll just share one cool thing that i learned from it. Jeremiah 21: 8-9 "Furthermore, tell the people, 'this is what the Lord says: see, I am setting before you the way of life and the way of death. Whoever stays in this city will die by the sword, famine or plague. But whoever goes out and surrenders to the Babylonians who are besieging you will live; he will escape with his life." God is setting a choice before his people. They have been sinful. They have repeatedly turned away from Him and to their idols and sin. but He's giving them this chance. What he tells them isn't logical. Their natural instinct had to have been to stay in their city and do their best to protect it and themselves, or at least die trying. But God tells them that the only way that they will survive is by surrendering! and i think that he's telling us the same thing... we need to surrender and obey Him, even if it means going against every single one of our natural instincts, or giving up our comfort. Jeremiah is just full of lessons like this. i never really liked this book until now... it always seemed like such a "specific" story. like God spoke to the Israelites through Jeremiah, but he was speaking specifically to them, and i never really took the time to think about how His words to them applied to me. but they do, in many, many ways. The fact that God spends so much time speaking in this book, makes studying it a great way to learn more about God's character. and honestly, I think that all of us are like Israel. but yeah... read the book for yourself. =)
• my class had its annual pancake breakfast fundraiser, and that was tons of fun!! there's something amazing (and kind of humbling) about the fact that nearly 300 people were willing to come out and support us!
• One of my pastors used an awesome quote by J. Wilbur Chapman in one of his sermons. "The rule which governs my life is this: anything that dims my vision of Christ, or takes away my taste for Bible study, or cramps me in my prayer life, or makes Christian work difficult, is wrong for me; and i must, as a Christian, turn away from it." pretty challenging, right?
• i have discovered the song that my children will fall asleep to each night. i have been looking for this song for awhile, and have finally found the perfect song. JUST KIDDING!! seriously, i had never even thought about this before. but then, while i was looking at some pictures on a photography blog, this song started playing. and it was actually making me feel sleepy! so.. when/if i ever have children, they will be lulled to sleep by the song "Sleepsong" by Secret Garden. Yes, they will. and they will play it for their children. and their children will play it for their children. and their children will play it for their children. i am starting a family tradition, right here, right now. on a more serious note... i think that "sleepsong" is a beautiful song of blessing that expresses how any loving parent feels about their child. not that i really know, because i've never been a parent. but i imagine that every parent wants angels to watch over their child, to guard them and keep them safe from all harm... everyone should listen to the song. don't fall asleep. =)

okay, i think that is about everything that i was going to say about January. it turned out to be a really good month. but i'm still glad that it's over now. =)

i'll prolly do a blog post kind like this at the end of every month, just cause i like looking back and remembering the good times. =)

have a good February everybody!

and some final words of wisdom: "Success is an attitude. Get yours right." -The Success Mug =)

i just wrote this post to say...

that blogspot... your photo uploading method completely sucks.

and that there are people who want to write blog posts. there are people who have been waiting to write blog posts for a whole week. and now, at 1:00 A.M, those people have finally found time to sit down and write their long-anticipated blog posts. they have finally taken the time to edit some pictures and upload them. they have sat and patiently waited as those pictures slowly uploaded... and then a stupid thing pops up saying that it was a "bad request".

it was not a bad request.

i have spent the past month thinking about this blog post. i carefully chose the pictures that i wanted to post, because i knew that i couldn't do too many, because they take so long to upload, and, well, i get impatient.

tonight i was totally in the blog post writing mood! seriously, i had so many wonderful things to say, and such witty ways of phrasing those wonderful things.

and then i get told that i made a "bad request".

and just like that... my enthusiasm died.

seriously, blogspot, do you think that inspiration can be put on hold? do you honestly think that by tomorrow morning (when i will have to individually upload my photos in order to figure out which one made my request bad) i will still remember all of the witty things that were in my head tonight? do you not know that friday nights after i get home from whatever i spent the evening doing are when i am most inspired?????

okay.

i think that's about it.

i need to go to bed now... because i have this insanely annoying song in my head, and i think sleep is the only thing that will get rid of it.

but i will be back tomorrow morning, to finally put together a post about January. it's gonna be AWESOME!!!!

sleep tight, everybody! =)